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Dad responding to a text message from 2016OUS News

WANT to cheat on your partner but don’t like to get upset about it? Science is your friend. Here are some great pseudo-scientific excuses for shitty male behavior.

Men are not inherently monogamous

The men must fuck as many females as possible, resulting in many children being born, even if some of them are eaten by wolves along the way, with the ultimate noble goal of stopping the human race from dying out. The only problem is that a huge number of men are not unreliable, skirt-chasing scumbags. Maybe they are of a different kind?

Men have more testosterone

Used to justify aggressive behavior. But if you’re not taking steroids in reasonable amounts, people have a thing known as “self-control.” Aggression isn’t really an evolutionary trait either, as cavemen didn’t have a Ford Transit to slash other drivers and yell insults at.

The male brain is more logical

Men methodically solve problems, they make good scientists and engineers, and women nurse and prefer babies, nurse sick and fluffy kittens. However, the complete deprivation of women of the right to work, for example, as scientists, could affect their numbers. Just a wild theory.

Men must have been cruel in the past

History was cruel, and our ancestors had to defend themselves first against saber-toothed tigers and then from other people who found swords handy for helping cattle, crops, gold, slaves, and women. However, the average barbecue thug doesn’t protect Carthage, he punches someone in the head because he’s drunk and hates students as hell.

Men have a natural need to catalog things.

Even more robust pop neuroscience. Dull hobbies like trainspotting seem to be the result of a man’s love of lists and fatness. Hm. Many women collect china frogs, and we don’t say, “Your brain is programmed to collect china frogs.” And those damn disgusting crying Pierrot figurines.

Men do not have a feminine maternal instinct.

Recent studies show that “maternal instinct” is not unique to women. Which is bad news for lazy men. Since you’re basically a big hairy mom, there’s no excuse for not changing diapers and enthusiastically transporting your little one in a gaudy Guardian reading bag. You should even consider doing a few household chores and dropping the toilet seat now that you’re a woman.