Ask Ellie: I’m upset that my boyfriend refuses to move in with me. What should I do?OUS News

Q I am 58, previously married for 25 years with three children living elsewhere. My boyfriend of five years is 51, never married, no kids.

I want you to move in completely this past year. That interview was heated with me feeling like I was asking too much. He gets defensive, withdraws and I feel unworthy. Otherwise, we are considered best friends.

He lives in a town 30 minutes away. You keep your clothes, bike and anything you need here. He spends all his time in my house. You only move into your city rental when you have a job change.

It would be good financially for both of us if you lived here. He calls his townhouse, along with its contents, his “storage unit.”

I’d like to eventually retire, and I’m tired of the financial burden of two people living here 90 percent of the time while I’m not taking the financial burden off. He said he would do it when it was “organically good,” some unknown time.

He had an unstable childhood, many moves and divorces, saying that was part of his ambivalence in moving in. He was worried that we might have a fight and that I might get kicked out (it happened to him with an ex-girlfriend).

I’m sorry, but when will the line be drawn? I want to share the time I have left with someone who loves me.

Feeling Write

A The line has already been drawn. His ambivalence about where he lives (mostly his place) is the convenience and saving of money he holds tightly.

You can be a “best friend” but not a committed partner. You may enjoy his company, but there is no mention of “love” from any of you.

The result of this situation being caused without resolution is a negative effect on you. At 58, with healthy years ahead of you and the possibility of meeting kind people, no one should make you feel “unworthy!”

Not “good enough” for what? Transferring your relationship? He has been waiting five years for “good organic,” without explanation. You want a real partner, not a freeloader.

Demonstrate self-confidence. Get out with friends, get involved in your community. And set dates for him to pay up or leave.

Q Can you name one or two female marriage therapists I can check into?

Anonymous

A There are many excellent marriage therapists that you can reach out to for an initial conversation, in person or online. My opinion and personal experience, have shown that the gender of the therapist is not important.

It is the connection that a therapy seeker feels or does not feel, when listening to the therapist’s responses to her situation, say, of a cheating husband.

One of the best therapists I have ever heard of, is a man whose wisdom and compassion make it possible for a client’s journey from heartbreak to a happy life, a personal life, without the man who been cheating for years.

Finding a therapist who “gets” you, starts with who you are at the core, not your gender or current role in the marriage. It is up to you to “open” and listen to the answer. Fudging facts about yourself will distort the exchange between client and therapist.

Marital therapy is a conversation and exploration of your current relationship. Something inside makes you question where you are in your life, and with whom.

In most cases, a professional marriage counselor will “get” you and can be very helpful. If, instead, you are sure that it did not happen, you have every right to try someone else.

Dear readers: Some feedback from people who have experience and knowledge about the physical problem that can help many people:

For example, about the man whose wife’s strong night smell kept them both awake:

“They can talk to a doctor who practices Traditional Medicine, and maybe they will write down Chinese herbs and put in acupuncture needles; A herbalist, who wants to say Western herbs; A homeopath who will prescribe homeopathic remedies; A Nutritionist will see if changes in your diet and supplements can help. Or an osteopath or chiropractor who will make sure your spine is aligned.

“Angry skin can indicate internal issues—your liver, kidneys, lungs, spine, diet, and/or stress. These professionals will study them both, from the context of their entire lives.

“Online, they can find licensed workers and register in their own area. Some homeopaths, herbalists, and nutritionists, also work online. Interested readers should check out their websites. ”

From a registered Professional Homeopath

Ellie’s tip of the day: Someone who will not share the costs of living together is not your partner.

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